Because everyone always likes to take quizzes that tell us what we already know about ourselves but refuse to admit openly, I’ve devised a quiz to gauge just how obsessed you are with your “imaginary” fantasy football teams. And by obsessed, I of course mean whether or not it’s a clinical addiction or not yet.
Are you a fair weather owner who plays just because it makes random games exciting and gives you an excuse to get bombed every Sunday? Or perhaps you cherish your team’s players moreso than you do your own children (dick). Regardless of your obsession level, you need to take this quiz and find out. Because we all know your brain doesn’t have the best track record with giving you truthful, unbiased answers to things involving you.
Without further ado!
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1.) In the weeks leading up to the draft, on average, about how many draft preview magazines do you have lying around your house/office/car/bathroom?
D. Oh… about 11 or so.
2.) Long story short, you broke your television in a post match-up loss rage and missed last night’s Monday Night Football game. A game whose results were key in deciding whether or not you will finish in the money. After an antagonizingly NFL-free night in which much liquor was consumed, you unsurprisingly wake up and realize you’re running a little late for work. What do you do?
A. Hop in the shower real quick and hightail it to work.
B. Skip a shower and check the results on your phone while getting ready before booking it to your office.
C. Check your league website with the intentions of it being a quick glance but it ultimately turns into a much lengthier sub-25 minute affair and you end up being late for work.
D. Call in sick and catch up on everything worry-free. You weren’t feeling too swell anyway.
3. You’re watching a game with your girlfriend’s father and the running back who’s ahead of your young sleeper on the depth chart brutally dislocates his knee and is carted off the field grimacing in pain. How do you react?
A. You had forgotten you even had the sleeper on your team in the first place so you simply shake your head as the players carted off and remark that you hope he’s okay.
B. Pretend to be saddened by the news and comment that you hope he’ll be okay whilst celebrating on the inside.
C. Grin, pump your fist and remark to your girlfriend’s father that this particular injury likely just netted you $250 at the end of the season.
D. Rocket off the couch hooing and hawing in celebration while immediately heading to the fridge to snag a celebratory beer. That you’d probably have shotgunned if it wasn’t a bottle.
4. Who is Landry Jones?
A. Wait… what?
B. Uhh… an actor?
C. A talented college quaterback.
D. The guy who you’ll be absolutely, positively taking with your #1 overall 2013 rookie draft pick.
5. How much time, on average, do you spend picking your squad’s name each year?
A. Instantaneously, upon sign up.
B. About five minutes or so.
C. Somewhere around 3-4 hours.
D. You’ve already begun a brainstorming session in a notebook for your team name for next year.
6. It is an ordinary Sunday morning in October. What are you doing?
A. Uh… sleeping? What else?
B. Getting ready to head to the bar for a nice, relaxing day of drinking with some buds.
C. Getting some food ready while tinkering with your line-up and watching a pre-game show.
D. Sitting on the couch surrounded by printouts of your opponent’s roster and frantically trying to get an injury update on Adrian Peterson. With wild crazy eyes.
7. On average, how many different fantasy football teams do you manage each year?
A. I really don’t play very much at all.
D. You can’t remember exactly, but you regularly find yourself rooting for approximately 75-80% of the entire league.
8. Could you accurately describe to someone what the 46 defense is?
A. Uh, I didn’t know there was a 46 defense?
B. I think so…
C. Of course!
D. All hail Buddy Ryan!
9. What are your opinion on waiver wire whores?
A. Prostitution? That’s illegal, right?
B. They don’t bother me too much…
C. Opinion? I am one!
D. They should be swiftly killed, tied up and tossed into the ocean.
10. Your in earshot of a bunch of people on a quiet bus ride and your friend’s calling you with a trade proposal. What do you do?
A. You don’t know why he’s calling you, you haven’t checked your team in months…
B. Forward the call to your voicemail. You don’t want these people thinking you’re a frigging Looney Tune.
C. Pay no attention to those around you and casually entertain his offer with a shit-eating grin on your face. Mainly because you know it will probably suck.
D. Answer and immediately start screaming at him (with much in the way of grandiose hand gestures) for even considering his proposal of DeSean Jackson and Frank Gore for Arian Foster that he sent to you several weeks ago.
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Aaaand we’re done!
Simply score your answers according to the key below:
- A’s are worth one (1) point.
- B’s are worth two (2) points.
- C’s are worth three (3) points.
- D’s are worth — you guessed it — five poi– just kidding! — D’s are worth four (4) points.
Now, add up your total and get ready to take a look into the cruel, cruel mistress mirror we all know and love/hate as reality!
Too Cool For School (10 points – 15 points)
You have failed to be humored by this fantasy craze that has so swiftly swept the nation. You generally regard those who do obsess over it as kind of strange and not really the kind of people you really want to hang out/be seen in public with/have watching your kids.
Addiction level: None. You get high on life — in particular things that aren’t pretend.
Fair-Weather Fanatic (16 points – 24 points)
You were likely introduced to fantasy sports through some friends and have kept playing because it’s fun and expands upon your sporting knowledge. Not to mention giving you an excuse to go to the bar all day every Sunday. While you’re not the type to commission your own league or anything, you are the guy that people always call at the last minute to fill in an unforeseen vacancy in their own league. Essentially, you’re the proverbial fantasy football team player.
Addiction level: It’s just a fling except one that’s lasted an extremely long amount of time. Sort of like those who only smoke cigarettes when they’re drunk, you only play fantasy sports if you’re in the mood and there happens to be a league opening. Which, it turns out, is almost every damn year.
Newly Minted Club Member (25 points – 33 points)
Congratulations! You’re in the same boat with about 75% of all the other people who play fantasy football. You’re not crazily addicted, but you’re also not about to let the chance at some prize money and sweet, sweet legal weekly gambling pass you by. You monitor your teams consistently and watch a variety of games because you’re now both legitimately interested in the sport but also because you want to monitor as many of your players as you can. Welcome to the club.
Addiction level: A regular user. You’re at risk to eventually become fanatically addicted but you’re still grounded enough to know that such a thing would not be good for your reputation. Or health. Or marriage. Etc. etc.
Certified Fantasy Football Addict (34 points – 39 points)
Your participation in fantasy leagues has officially become an obsession. You spend more time thinking about formulas to predict yearly wide receiver target totals and rookie interception trends than you do thinking about your own close friends and family. If you had to choose between acquiring Peyton Manning on your keeper league team or a limo full of strippers and booze, you would probably take the former. Unless, of course, there was cocaine in this limo. Then it would be a much tougher choice.
Addiction level: It’s become a… “problem”. Fantasy football has touched all areas of your life — whether it be while in the bathroom, at “work” or on a frigging airplane. The only good thing to come out of this is that you probably consistently finish in the money in all your leagues. Hopefully…
Legend (40+ points)
You’re an enigma. Nay, a legend among men! You have won so many titles that you actually stopped making plaques for your living room wall. Most people don’t want to be around you because they think there’s actually a legitimately strong chance that you are, in fact, certifiably insane. Which, in all honesty, is probably the case with you. But in a totally good, awesome way. Pinky swear!
Addiction level: Off the frigging charts. You are a mortal lock to be involved one way or another in the world’s first fantasy football related homicide. Congratulations?!